I am listening to personal power by Tony Robbins and am finding the confidence to change my life!
My life was a mess this whole year. I had problems with the business, lost the motivation to continue the coffee shop because the rent will increase and because I am always busy, never seem to have a free moment; I had problems with my relationship, we grew apart because we each had our own business and we broke up last summer, something that I still can’t get over and made me really down; then problems with my health that started a couple of months ago. First, I had to get stitches in my groin because I fell of a bamboo boat during the shooting of a program for CCTV and since 1 month I have excruciating pain in my shoulder and arm. Apparently, because I have a problem in my neck and I was lifting too many heavy things, so I also guess I have tendonitis in it. It seemed a bit better, but a couple of days ago it got worse, because I carried a box from my shop to my apartment.
So, I feel a failure in every area of my life: I am alone again, feel uncomfortable in my body, because of my health, don’t have a longterm career prospect anymore, am broke (I have only 1000rmb in my account and I have debts because of the shop). Because of all that happened and especially the end of my relationship, I don’t have any confidence anymore, I doubt everything about myself and was crying all the time.
Last year, a friend gave me the ‘Personal Power’ tapes of Tony Robbins. I hadn’t listened to them yet, because of lack of time and maybe not the right moment in my life, I wasn’t ready for it yet. I believe that everything happens for a reason (although I think now that life didn’t have to be so cruel to me to point out I wasn’t in the right direction). So, as I am crawling slowly forward again to get my life together again (not walking yet, every day small babysteps, at least it’s forward again and not backwards anymore), I remembered those tapes and started listening to them. I felt immediately inspired and went enthusiastically on doing all the exercises and I started to feel something close to happiness again. A couple of days ago, Tony asked to picture yourself with your old beliefs and see what that will give you in 5 years, 10 or even 20 years. He wanted to let us feel the pain that our old, limiting beliefs give us. I started crying, had to stop the tape and really felt that most of my beliefs were limiting me and that I was constantly sabotaging myself to live a happy, harmonious life. It was really an eye-opener. He then continued to help us write new beliefs and really believe they will happen and live by them and feel how much joy they will give us, already feel the excitement and confidence they give you.
Some of my old beliefs were that a relationship is a loss of freedom and that my taiji is not good enough. I really want to do something with taiji: I want to open a health center where people can come to relax and learn taiji and yoga. But, I still believed that I sucked at taiji, even though I won a gold and silver medal last summer at an international competition, I said to myself ‘hmmm, maybe I am not too bad,’ but the minute I was back in Yangshuo I thought: ‘who am I? I will never reach a decent level, I am not good, I still need many years of practice.’ And oh wonder, my taiji actually became worse. I can think now: ‘yes, I will never be a master like the great masters in China, because they already practiced since they were little, but I know much more than people in the West, even more than some Western taiji teachers, because I know more about Chinese culture as well.’ So, I shouldn’t beat myself up too much. I should look at what I already have achieved and not at what I still don’t know. I have many new ideas all the time, I am enthusiastic about something and a few months later I hate it, because it becomes a routine or the fun is out of it or I found something new interesting. The only consistency in my life, I see now, is martial arts. Since I was a child I did judo, karate, jiu jitsu, kung fu and now taiji. So, even in taiji I can sometimes relate to things I learned in judo or another martial art I learned. I feel now that I can and will be an inspiration to others. I have a new confidence in myself that I will achieve my goals and live my dreams…
Yesterday, was the first day I wanted to live by my new confidence, not let me feel down and think of all my difficulties, but go ahead smiling. And I had a great evening: I went out to the bar I always go, but now there were several men that started talking to me, dancing with me. There was 1 man who I was interested in and we talked just for a bit, but then he overheard a conversation between my friend and I where I said I was interested in him and he backed off. My friend asked me if I was sad. No way! This is much more than I ever hoped for: I had a great evening with friends, even dared to talk to a man I was interested in, even the fact that I found another man interesting, meant I am moving on from my previous relationship. I am not ready to start a new relationship now anyway. I just felt so good about myself and feel confident for the future.
I can realize my dreams now. I just have to remember that evening and I know that my thoughts sabotage me, so no more unhappy thoughts. Easier said than done, I know, but at least I can see now that even if life is cruel, you can always bounce back!!!